Presidential Knife Fight

No, I'm not referring to the 2012 presidential election.  I'm referring to something that had not previously occurred to me:

In a mass knife fight to the death between every American President, who would win and why?

The question was posed over at the HistoricalWhatIf forum at Reddit.com by someone with too much time on their hands (sounds familiar).


In the interests of ensuring authenticity several conditions were established:

• Every president is in the best physical and mental condition they were ever in throughout the course of their presidency. Fatal maladies have been cured, but any lifelong conditions or chronic illnesses (e.g. FDR’s polio) remain.
• The presidents are fighting in an ovular arena 287 feet long and 180 feet wide (the dimensions of the [1] Roman Colosseum). The floor is concrete. Assume that weather is not a factor.
• Each president has been given one standard-issue [2] Gerber LHR Combat Knife , the knife [3] presented to each graduate of the United States Army Special Forces Qualification Course. Assume the presidents have no training outside any combat experiences they may have had in their own lives.
• There is no penalty for avoiding combat for an extended period of time. Hiding and/or playing dead could be valid strategies, but there can be only one winner. The melee will go on as long as it needs to.
• FDR has been outfitted with a [4] Bound Plus H-Frame Power Wheelchair, and can travel at a maximum speed of around 11.5 MPH. The wheelchair has been customized so that he is holding his knife with his dominant hand. This is to compensate for his almost certain and immediate defeat in the face of an overwhelming disadvantage.
• Each president will be deposited in the arena regardless of their own will to fight, however, personal ethics, leadership ability, tactical expertise etc., should all be taken into account. Alliances are allowed.

The best analysis is from blogger Face In The Blue.  It's quite entertaining and worth reading the whole thing.

Here's a little sample:

3) Thomas Jefferson. I’d like to say he’d make a good show of it, but he was a bit of dandy… Middle of the pack, but his dying words would be incredibly quotable.

4) James Madison. He’s just too short. I’m sorry: You need reach in a knife fight. The bravado of the philosophy behind Manifest Destiny only gets you so far. He’ll die early, and his small corpse will be one of the least important tripping hazards as the battle wears on.

 I think his picks for the final three, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt, are pretty solid.  Who would you pick?

Lincoln may have been the strongest president, with lots of experience with blades and fighting as a younger man and he certainly had the advantage of a long reach which is a critical advantage in a knife fight.  His only problem would be if he got into one of his introspective and brooding moods.

Jackson may have been the toughest, most brutal and vengeful president.  As a younger man he fought a duel against an expert marksman, allowing him the first shot.  Jackson was hit in the chest, near the heart, after which he shot and killed his opponent.  The bullet, deemed too dangerous to remove, remained in his chest for the rest of his life.  A few years later he was involved in a tavern brawl (which he provoked) against the Benton brothers, Jesse and Thomas Hart (later a five term US Senator from Missouri) in which he was shot twice more. While in the White House, he narrowly escaped death when an assassin's pistols misfired at pointblank range and Jackson then beat the man with his cane.  A powerful combination of rage and skill which would be great assets in the knife fight.

Teddy came to the presidency only three years after leading the Rough Riders charge up San Juan Hill in the Spanish-American war.  As a youngster he overcame physical disabilities, becoming a real cowboy and he remained in splendid physical condition as President.  Even after the presidency he led an expedition down the River Of Doubt in Brazil (called that because no one knew, before Roosevelt, its origins) and a year long safari in Africa where he faced personal danger numerous times.  And, as far as dealing with pain - during the 1912 Presidential campaign he was shot in the chest in Milwaukee just prior to a scheduled speech.  Despite the protests of his aides he insisted on giving the speech, which lasted for more than an hour as blood seeped through his shirt, before agreeing to go to the hospital.